Category Archives: Fake News

‘Cow Manifesto’ for Cow Revolution in India

Prime Minister Narendra Modi with the help of Chief Ministers from cow belt drafted ‘Cow Manifesto’. The cow manifesto provides for the following framework for cow revolution in India- and envisions creation of Cow Republic in India.

  1. The name of Indian Republic will be changed to ‘Gau Ganrajya’– Cow Republic.
  2. The preamble of the constitution will be amended and additions in amendment will include- ‘We the people of India declare India to be Sovereign, Socialist, Secular, Democratic Republic of Cows and secure its citizens, who are primarily cows- Justice, Liberty, Equality and Fraternity.’
  3. Further, cow will be declared as ‘Mother of Nation’. On INR 500 and 2000 notes Gandhi’s pictures will be replaced with cows’ pictures. On other currency notes, cows’ pictures will be placed next to Gandhi’s picture.
  4. Cows in pre-vedic times spoke Hindi. Cows gave birth to humans. Cows are mothers of humanity. Thus, language of cows i.e. Hindi will be the national language of India.
  5. For next twenty years, the post of President of Republic will be reserved for cows. Only cows can become the President of Republic- a largely ceremonious post.
  6. To make cow central to India’s constitutional and developmental fabric, a special ministry for cows, on the lines of Ministry of Women & Child Welfare and Development, will be created and called Union & State Ministry of Cows & Calf Welfare and Development.
  7. Cows above the age of one will have voting rights. Their vote will be de-facto counted as vote for Bharatiya Junta Party (BJP). 33 percent seats in union parliament and state legislative assemblies & councils will be reserved for cows and will be de-facto accorded to BJP.
  8. Government will enact specific social protection measures for cows, starting with unique identification number- Aadhar Card issued to all cows in India. Those coming from Bangladesh and Pakistan will be given the same card along with refugee status. Rashtriya Swasthya Beema Yojna (National Health Insurance Scheme- RSBY), maternity benefits, midday meals, access to banking services through opening of accounts under Jan Dhan Yojna (People Wealth Scheme), zero interest housing loans will be a part of social protection package made for cows.
  9. To encourage consumption of the most pious food- Gobar (cow dung) and Gaumutra (cow urine) excreted by cows, central government has made it mandatory to serve them as midday meal in all government and public funded/aided schools, colleges and universities. All private universities and schools also need to mandatorily serve it as an important meal in their institution. Those who don’t eat it will be deemed as committing the act of sedition and will be charged under relevant provisions of Indian Penal Code.
  10. Cows are Hindus. Thus, non-Muslims can’t own or marry cows. This provision is valid, unless Muslims declare cow to be one of the many Prophets they have, Christians consider her to be the daughter of Christ and Sikhs respect her as the eleventh Guru. Jains have already begun the process of declaring cow as 25th living Tirathankara.
  11. Government is planning to bring uniform civil code with a special provision for cows. Cows can marry bulls and men. Bulls and men need to have Aadhar for marrying cows. Marriage is commitment to one bull or a man for whole life. Cows like women in India, will not have right to divorce. They can only be abandoned, taking inspiration from Supreme leader’s own life. In case cow marries a man, she can only be artificially inseminated. Sex between man and cow is prohibited, unless the man is known to be the wearer of Janeyu (sacred thread).
  12. Cow’s meat/beef consumption is prohibited. The consumption of beef will be considered as an act of war against ‘Gau Ganrajya’ (Cow Republic). Under Swachh Bharat Abhiyaan (Clean India Mission) all toilets will have centrally operated censors, which will test the human shit for beef matter. If beef content is found in fecal matter, sensors will automatically report it to state and union ministries of cow and calf welfare to act against the beef eater. This provision doesn’t apply to only white foreigners visiting India.
  13. All Gaurakshaks (cow protectors) who have killed at-least one person on the name of cow protection will be eligible for Paramvir Chakra award and INR 20000 per month as old age pension. If they have killed more than twenty persons, with at-least twenty percent of those murdered below the age of 18, they will be eligible for highest civilian award- Bharat Ratna.

 

Jai Gaurajya! Jai Gau Ganrajya!

(Hail the rule of cows! Hail the cow republic)

Owing to the Opposition from Sadhus and Sangh Karyakartas, Government Unblocks Porn Sites

Modi government took a U-turn on porn ban. Owing to the pressure exerted by Sadhus, Sangh Karyakartas and many spiritual saints, government unblocks porn sites. Yogi Adityanath has confirmed that it was on his, Sakshi Maharaj and Mohan Bhagwat’s request that the union government has decided to repeal the ban on porn. Sources say that many senior party leaders including Ram Madhav were opposed to the ban. A compromise was reached between opposing Hindutva groups and Ministry of Information Technology. As per the new deal government will ban porn sighting ‘missionary position’ as it may encourage conversions to Christianity in India.

Last day, Prime Minister Narendra Modi while addressing the nation on radio show तन की बात had said ‘Condom and sanitary pad advertisements promote obscenity and are against our culture, hence shall be banned in the coming days’. That ban will continue as it makes many middle class families largely voters of  Bharatiya Junta Party uncomfortable while watching their dose of daily sops. The policy of ban on sex education framed by past governments will also continue.

Senior leader from Rashtriya Swemsevak Sangh (RSS) called the revoke of ban ‘victory of Sangh morals’. He also requested Karyakartas to continue abusing outspoken women activists, artists and celebrities on twitter and other social media forums. With that happiness returned to Headquarters and many Shakhas of Sangh. After couple of troubled evenings orgasmic nights ahead.

It is also heard that Swami Ramdev is not happy with the decision of revoking ban. As he and his colleague Balakrishan were practicing many Kamasutra positions together to prepare for launch of 100% Shudh Desi Porn by Patanjali Vidyapeeth.