The tragedy of Indian writers in English is that they aren’t observant of humor and melancholy of everyday. They want their works to be lyrical. Romanticism emerging from the hallucination of dailiness makes their works poetic and yet hollow. They go on appropriating lives, the way they would like to see them, without really documenting lives, sharing the stories for their own crassness and sophistication. There are exceptions, but far and few and can be counted on fingers- Kiran Doshi’s ‘When Jinnah came to our home’ or Ruskin Bond’s works are few examples of the exceptions.
This is why I don’t like the works of Arundhati Roy. I could barely move beyond a dozen pages of her first novel and it has become a challenge to read her new novel. Her non-fiction is as good as her fiction. I don’t want to compare, sad to say, Khushwant Singh’s novel ‘Delhi’ is way more real than Roy’s recent lyrical work.
Interestingly, the translated works have that beauty. They are a glance to humor and melancholy of our dailiness, in all its crassness and sophistication.
And of course, writers in Punjabi, Hindi and Urdu, and all other languages of South Asia (many of the other languages, I’ve read translated works either in Punjabi, Hindi or English), make you laugh and cry, sometimes both at the same. There is certain intimacy in non-English works, which English writers are yet to explore.
Prime Minister Narendra Modi with the help of Chief Ministers from cow belt drafted ‘Cow Manifesto’. The cow manifesto provides for the following framework for cow revolution in India- and envisions creation of Cow Republic in India.
- The name of Indian Republic will be changed to ‘Gau Ganrajya’– Cow Republic.
- The preamble of the constitution will be amended and additions in amendment will include- ‘We the people of India declare India to be Sovereign, Socialist, Secular, Democratic Republic of Cows and secure its citizens, who are primarily cows- Justice, Liberty, Equality and Fraternity.’
- Further, cow will be declared as ‘Mother of Nation’. On INR 500 and 2000 notes Gandhi’s pictures will be replaced with cows’ pictures. On other currency notes, cows’ pictures will be placed next to Gandhi’s picture.
- Cows in pre-vedic times spoke Hindi. Cows gave birth to humans. Cows are mothers of humanity. Thus, language of cows i.e. Hindi will be the national language of India.
- For next twenty years, the post of President of Republic will be reserved for cows. Only cows can become the President of Republic- a largely ceremonious post.
- To make cow central to India’s constitutional and developmental fabric, a special ministry for cows, on the lines of Ministry of Women & Child Welfare and Development, will be created and called Union & State Ministry of Cows & Calf Welfare and Development.
- Cows above the age of one will have voting rights. Their vote will be de-facto counted as vote for Bharatiya Junta Party (BJP). 33 percent seats in union parliament and state legislative assemblies & councils will be reserved for cows and will be de-facto accorded to BJP.
- Government will enact specific social protection measures for cows, starting with unique identification number- Aadhar Card issued to all cows in India. Those coming from Bangladesh and Pakistan will be given the same card along with refugee status. Rashtriya Swasthya Beema Yojna (National Health Insurance Scheme- RSBY), maternity benefits, midday meals, access to banking services through opening of accounts under Jan Dhan Yojna (People Wealth Scheme), zero interest housing loans will be a part of social protection package made for cows.
- To encourage consumption of the most pious food- Gobar (cow dung) and Gaumutra (cow urine) excreted by cows, central government has made it mandatory to serve them as midday meal in all government and public funded/aided schools, colleges and universities. All private universities and schools also need to mandatorily serve it as an important meal in their institution. Those who don’t eat it will be deemed as committing the act of sedition and will be charged under relevant provisions of Indian Penal Code.
- Cows are Hindus. Thus, non-Muslims can’t own or marry cows. This provision is valid, unless Muslims declare cow to be one of the many Prophets they have, Christians consider her to be the daughter of Christ and Sikhs respect her as the eleventh Guru. Jains have already begun the process of declaring cow as 25th living Tirathankara.
- Government is planning to bring uniform civil code with a special provision for cows. Cows can marry bulls and men. Bulls and men need to have Aadhar for marrying cows. Marriage is commitment to one bull or a man for whole life. Cows like women in India, will not have right to divorce. They can only be abandoned, taking inspiration from Supreme leader’s own life. In case cow marries a man, she can only be artificially inseminated. Sex between man and cow is prohibited, unless the man is known to be the wearer of Janeyu (sacred thread).
- Cow’s meat/beef consumption is prohibited. The consumption of beef will be considered as an act of war against ‘Gau Ganrajya’ (Cow Republic). Under Swachh Bharat Abhiyaan (Clean India Mission) all toilets will have centrally operated censors, which will test the human shit for beef matter. If beef content is found in fecal matter, sensors will automatically report it to state and union ministries of cow and calf welfare to act against the beef eater. This provision doesn’t apply to only white foreigners visiting India.
- All Gaurakshaks (cow protectors) who have killed at-least one person on the name of cow protection will be eligible for Paramvir Chakra award and INR 20000 per month as old age pension. If they have killed more than twenty persons, with at-least twenty percent of those murdered below the age of 18, they will be eligible for highest civilian award- Bharat Ratna.
Jai Gaurajya! Jai Gau Ganrajya!
(Hail the rule of cows! Hail the cow republic)